🌟 Coach notes
Your coach’s notes for Leo
📅 Saturday, August 15, 2026 · ☁️ Cloudy, 82°F
Topic: fiction
Your main idea
Bob thinks aliens are invading because the sky is purple, but then he realizes he was just playing a video game.
Your writing
On a purple day, Bob was freaking out because the sky was purple. “Help!” Bob screamed “Aliens are invading Earth”. Bob ran around his house. Bob jumped up and down until he exited the video game, the sky wasn't purple at all, it was just in‑game
Coach’s feedback
What you did great ✨
- You picked a really fun topic, and your ending surprise — that Bob was in a video game the whole time — is super clever! It makes the reader go, "Ohhh, that makes sense!" That's a great storytelling move.
- You used the word "freaking out," which helps the reader feel how scared Bob is. Good word choice for showing feelings.
Top 3 things to grow 🌱
- Punctuation
You wrote: ““Help!” Bob screamed “Aliens are invading Earth”.”
When someone yells a quote, you need a comma (or other punctuation) between the talking words and the speaker tag like "Bob screamed." Right now, the sentences run together and a reader has to pause to figure it out.
Try: “"Help!" Bob screamed. "Aliens are invading Earth!"”
- Sentence structure
You wrote: “Bob jumped up and down until he exited the video game, the sky wasn't purple at all, it was just in‑game”
This is a run-on sentence. You have three ideas squished together with just commas, and the last part doesn't even have a period. Try breaking your big ideas into smaller sentences so the reader can follow along.
Try: “Bob jumped up and down until he exited the video game. The sky wasn't purple at all! It was just in-game.”
- Clarity
You wrote: “Bob ran around his house. Bob jumped up and down until he exited the video game”
It's a little confusing — did Bob run around his real house, or in the game? Adding a few words would help the reader picture what's happening.
Try: “Bob ran around his real house, panicking. Then he jumped up and down in the game until he finally pressed the exit button.”
Same ideas, just cleaner
Your coach cleaned it up — using your words and ideas.
On a purple day, Bob was freaking out because the sky was purple. "Help!" Bob screamed. "Aliens are invading Earth!" Bob ran around his real house, panicking. Then he jumped up and down in the game until he finally pressed the exit button. When the game shut off, the sky wasn't purple at all! It was just in the game.
Try this practice 🎯
Fix the run-on sentence by adding punctuation. The sentence below has two ideas squished together. Rewrite it as two sentences.
Rewrite this as two sentences: "Bob pressed the button the screen went back to normal."
Show a sample answer
Bob pressed the button. The screen went back to normal.
Now try again in your own words ✍️
Use the coach’s ideas, but write it like YOU would. This is the most important part!
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